… By current situation, I mean my separation from my wife and soon to be divorce.
Its been really really rough….. but I’m still here…. Still chugging away at it. I’ve been hurt, talked about, called everything but a child of God…. Just about everything in the last week. I’ve had friends completely turn their back on me because of what I did. I’ve had friends applaud me for finally standing up for myself and my happiness. And I’ve had people smile in my face but play deaf when I ask for a hand…. Just a place I can lay my head on the floor for a few hours or somewhere I can take a quick shower.
Sleeping in my truck has been an experience. I usually park at one of the 24hr Wal-Mart stores. To be honest, its crazy what you can see at Wally World at 3:17am in the morning! I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m not sure if it’s the truck or stress, but I believe it’s a pretty amalgamation of both with a dash of hurt and distrust. I think way too much … and my mind keeps me awake. I can say for sure… the front seat of my Dodge Ram Big Horn addition quad cab is not quite as comfortable as sleeping on the couch. But I find little things here and there to make the experience more pleasant. I’ve talked to a few old friends, made a few YouTube videos… stuff like that. And I’ve spent time in prayer… I need to spend more time, but I haven’t…. working on that!
Its really lonely out there though. To be honest though… I was more lonely in my apartment with her than I am out in Wal-Mart’s parking lot… I guess that says a lot. There are other people out there at night sleeping, and I’ve began to recognize their patterns and stuff. There’s a young black couple that’s there every night… I often wonder what their situation is… like, maybe they got kicked out of their apt due to not having the rent on time, and not they’re saving up to get a new place… they definitely both work… but they’re sticking together through it all…. Love can be so strong when you find the right person. Or the guy in the gold suburban… it looks like he works at Wal-Mart during the day, and comes to his truck to sleep at night… I wonder what his story is? And then I wonder if they think the same thing about me.
I think about what I’m doing a lot. The past week, I’ve though a whole lot about her and the kids and how they are holding up. But I’ve also this week thought a lot about my mom. It would break her heart to see me going through this… I know that for a fact. This is going to sound weird, but last week I could have sworn I felt her tears when it rained.